Tuesday, April 1, 2014

New Publishing Decision!


As we all know, eBooks have made the publishing industry radically re-evaluate the old fashioned way of publishing books. They've made a momentous decision. Effective today, no more books will be printed on paper. "The profit margin for old fashioned paper books is just too small" says noted publisher Wilbur Boczek. "eBooks have made us realize that paper is no longer a sustainable printing medium.

In future, we'll either have electronic copies of our books, or we'll be printing on 100% natural bacon. That's good news for the Olivia Spek, the spokesperson for the pork industry. "We've been advocating for expanded uses for our product. " Her assistant, Napoleon Baboy, was quick to add "We're starting a new ad campaign 'Pork - the other Paper'. That's got a nice ring, doesn't it?

"We haven't totally finalized the process, says Arnold Ziffel, head of the Printer's Union. There's a huge discussion about whether to print on raw or cooked bacon. Babe Varken, who works in the publisher's warehouse says "Raw bacon is flexible and easier to pack. The problem is it's extremely perishable. Cooked bacon has a longer shelf life, but is quite fragile."

One concern was there are both vegetarians, and entire religions which would prefer to not be involved with pork. The publishers will have totally separate printing facilities for Turkey Bacon Books, and for TVP (textured vegetable protein) books. Hamm Puerco, Chief Printer, says "We want to be able to cater to all tastes and preferences, and still give everyone the opportunity to totally consume their favorite titles."

Librarian Peppa Tocino is looking forward to the change. "Yes, we'll have to buy a lot more books, as our patrons eat the items they check out. However, we're building in a small profit for each book, so we'll be able to replace the consumed items with even more titles, as people pay for their 'missing' (but delicious) items." Ms Tocino added they were planning to change from classifying books as fiction or non-fiction, and instead shelve books by pork, turkey or TVP. "We've suggested printing the children's books on fruit leather. We think it will be a big day when the kids can graduate to the protein based books."

Nugent Pumphrey, programmer for library computers says "We've re-labeled the old 'lost or missing' category to be 'Lost or consumed.' It just makes more sense. We'll have that change in place by the end of the day. I think that's an appropriate action for the first day of April - don't you?"

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